Penipe
The 20th and 21st of December, I went to Penipe with the solidarity group from my school. Since November, we had been collecting food, clothing, toys and candy to give to the people of Penipe. Two years ago, the volcano Tunguraguah erupted on their pueblo, destroying the trees and plants they used for survival, their houses and schools, and the bridge that allowed them to cross the river to sell their goods. They lost everything, but continued to try and live in the area. This year, the trees started bearing fruit again, and the first thing these people did when we arrived was take all the fruit off the trees and offer it to us. They said they felt bad about not being able to give us more, when in fact, they had given us all they had. It reminded me of the Biblical story of the woman who gave her last 2 pennies.
We handed out all we had brought, and there ended up being enough to give every person two full outfits, a pair of shoes, and more than enough toys and candy for the few children of the pueblo. I'm not sure how the food got divided, but we had definitely collected a lot to give them. By the end, our clothes were covered in ash from the volcano. It's predicted to erupt again fairly soon. It's so close to this pueblo, we could feel the vibrations and thunders.
As we left, one lady was hysterical with tears telling us how grateful she was. She told us her husband had died a few years back and how she felt as though we were her family, even though she didn't have one. I listened and cried with her. It was a beautiful experience.
The night before, we stayed in a convent in Riobamba. We crammed 5 girls into a room made for 2, pulling mattresses from other rooms and putting them on the floor. It was my first sleepover since I've been here, and I can't tell you how wonderful it was. We told scary stories and laughed until we couldn't breathe. One girl actually told us not to wake her up in the morning if she looked a certain way because sometimes, if she concentrated really hard while she was sleeping (is that even possible?) her spirit would leave her body. And if you woke her while her spirit was out of her body, she would die. I started laughing. I thought it was a joke. But get this-- the other girls were completely serious and sat there staring at me. "It happens, Heidi. It's not funny." They also believe if you go from a hot place to a cold place too quick, that your jaw twists sideways in your head. haha.
In the morning, we had a beautiful view of the tallest active volcano in the world, Chimborazo. The skies are hardly ever clear at that altitude, but that morning there wasn't a cloud in sight. It was incredibly majestic. A true symbol of the grandeur, immensity, and beauty of our God.
Christmas
The days leading up to Christmas were weird. Nothing felt like Christmas. The weather was the same as when I arrived in August, the house didn't smell like pine and cookies, nor was it toasty inside (we don't have a heater). There were no Silver Dollar City lights or aromas of wassail and smores, no random trips to the mall, no Christmas songs... it just wasn't...
...Christmas.
Which actually made it easier for me. Because nothing felt like what Christmas normally does for me, it was like it never happened, and I wasn't missing anything. There was hardly anything to remind me of what it's like at home, so I felt as though I were just celebrating some new, uniquely Ecuadorian holiday.
I ended up having Christmas 4 times. The first was on Christmas eve, at my Aunt Demaris' house. We ate a big turkey dinner, something like you would see at Thanksgiving in the States. We also had a small musical performance from those who could play an instrument.
Click for more!
The second Christmas was Christmas day, spent in the South with the grandparents on my dad's side. Everyone was there. There were probably 35 of us in all-- cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and immediate family. Instead of trying to get a present for every one, we did "amigo secreto," or secret friend. Before Christmas, we drew names from a hat and got that person a gift. On Christmas, after the second big turkey dinner, we had to describe our amigo secreto until someone guessed who it was; then we exchanged gifts. It was fun. I knitted a hat for my amigo secreto lol. Afterwards, we drove up to the Panecillo to look at the big nativity light scene. It was beautiful, but completely foggy, therefore blocking the excellent view of the city from the top of the hill.
Click the pic for more!
My third Christmas was at Sebas' house. His whole church was there, and we had a sort of Bible study and then another--big turkey dinner. We drove up to panecillo again that night, but it was just as foggy as it had been the night before. Still fun though. My fourth Christmas was that Sunday, the day my Aunt Pauli and American Uncle Steve got back in town from Mexico. We spent it at my grandma's house on my moms side, and once again, everyone was there. Another big turkey dinner, another amigo secreto exchange, and another knitted hat.Probably the biggest difference between Christmas here and in the states, is that in the States, Christmas is pretty much all about presents. Whether you want to admit it or not, even when its just you and your best friend, its "what kind of cool gift can I get him/her?" like we show our love and appreciation for each other by presents at christmastime. Here, however, all that matters is that the whole family is together eating a big turkey dinner. Period.
... I think I like Christmas here better (culturally speaking, anyways. I still miss my Silver Dollar City Christmas lights : )
Paseo de las Lagunas (Lake trip)
A little after Christmas, my unlce Vicente and my family took me on a trip to visit a few lakes in Ecuador. The first was called Mojanda, which is in a crater at the top of a mountain. Coming up over the peek, we got a glimpse of the view below us, and it looked like an ocean. It was huge. We drove down into the crater and stopped for a bit to get our feet wet. The water was ice cold, but worth it. And the view was spectacular!
The second lake we went to was Languacocha, which means "bloody lake" in Quechua. Apparently, a war took place on the mountain surrounding the lake, and all the blood and dead people rolled down the mountain into the lake. Appetizing, I know. We took a short boat ride, thought seriously about pushing each other in to meet those dead war heros, and then headed for Lake San Pablo.
We slept the whole ride to San Pablo, meaning when we arrived, we had energy to do nothing but sit and admire. It was cloudy and all was gray, so we only stayed about 10 minutes before heading back home.
Click any of the lake pics for more!
New Years in ShellNew years in Ecuador is really funny. Okay, so the tradition is that every house or family has an "old man" that died, leaving a widow behind. The widow (men dressed up like sexy women) goes out in the street, asking for money from every car or man that goes by. Sometimes, they dance as well--it's hysterical. At the end of the night, they use the money to buy alcohol and get drunk. ha. The "old man" is a more or less life-sized doll set up in front of every house with a sign that says the things the families are hoping for in the coming year. At midnight they burn the doll and the sign, symbolizing that they're leaving the past behind them and moving foward.
We went to Shell to spend the New Year with my missionary aunt, uncle, and cousins. If you haven't read my other posts, Shell is in the jungle. Unfortunately, I got bit by a lot of insects and had to take a benedryl new years eve. I was so drowsy, it took everything in me to stay awake until midnight -- literally holding my eyes open. My mom was in a random dancing mood all day, and of course midnight was when she wanted to dance the most. They were making dance trains and being loud and crazy and fun...while I was falling over in a drowsy stupor. I tried to write some new years resolutions during all of this, which I looked over the next day. Almost every thing I wrote down came back to seeking God. So my 2009 resolution? Seek Him.
Earlier that night, we went into town to see all of the widows and old man displays. It started out fun, but then I asked Emi if she wanted to go on a trip to Banos with me the next day, and she told me no. I asked her why and she said it was because she knew I would exclude her.... then I was sad... she said I had done that on another occasion when we were with Sebas and our neighbor at a movie. But that was the first of second week I was here, and I didn't know Sebas or Emi yet, let alone know how to include them both, especially not in Spanish. I don't know if I've recovered from that comment yet...
While in Shell, I talked with a pilot from Mission Aviation Fellowship. I wanted to know what kind of certification is required to work for the organization, but we got to talking about what he does day to day, how he likes his job, and basically just what his life is like as a missionary pilot. As we talked, I can't really describe it, but I felt this supposed "passion" to be a pilot lift from me. it was like everything he was saying was negating the things I actually want to do with my life. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to walk out of there, leaving my "dream" behind, and starting to look to my heart for where my passions lie.
Click the pic for more photos of New Years
Banos
The city -- not the place women go in groups.
Day after new years, I took a bus to Banos. I've been there 3 times with the fam, but only passing through. We would always see these travel agencies offering group tours to do extreme sports, but my family was never interested in that sort of thing. I, on the other hand, was craving it. So, I planned to meet some friends Friday morning and stay until Saturday afternoon when my parents would be passing through to pick me up. The bus ride there was nothing short of HELL. I did everything I could think of not to vomit. The man sitting next to me reeked of alcohol, and the woman on my other side was vomitting in a bag every few minutes--a bag that did not contain odor. There were crying babies in the front of the bus, and a really bloody-violent movie playing. Halfway there, the bus turned a sharp corner, and an already full bag of vomit that the woman next to me had put in the overhead bin for lack of a trash can -- came flying and hit me in the head. Not to mention I was car sick the whole way there. It was the longest hour and a half of my life. No joke.
I have never appreciated fresh air more than the moment I got off that bus. Found my friends, and headed to our first activity--canyoning. Yeah, I didn't know what it was at first either, but it turns out to be repelling down waterfalls. FREAKING AWESOME! We hiked up a mountain a little bit to get to the beginning of the repelling trail. It was so beautiful. Drizzling, everything dripping with emerald majesty, the sounds of the gushing waterfall getting closer... ahhh ...
I can't really describe going down these waterfalls to you very well, but it was scary at first. We had to try and straddle the waterfalls, and we were in charge of our harnesses and how fast we went down, meaning we also were in charge of whether we lived or died. After we got the inicial waterfall out of the way, it was smooth sailing for the other 6. There were definitely still moments of sheer terror -- like when the waterfall was so powerful that you couldn't avoid being in the middle of it, unable to see anything -- or when I slipped and hit myself against a rock. Haha. Now that I think about it, I actually still have blisters on my hands from canyoning. Totally worth it though : )
click the pic for more of Banos!
After canyoning, we met up with my friend Alejandra's brother who has all of the connections in Banos and knows the cheap places to eat and stay. We went to lunch with him and then went horseback riding. I had imagined we would be riding up mountains the whole time, but we actually rode for a bit and then stopped at the base of a waterfall. Coming up over the hill, sighting this waterfall for the first time -- was something... something incredible. It was huge, beautiful, too perfect to be real. We decided to climb it, which considering the slippery rocks, was probably a bad idea, but nobody got hurt. You could feel the power and strength being so close.
From there, we rode back to the stables. The horses were very competitive, always trying to be the lead horse, which made for some unexpected galloping spurts that scared the crap out of me. But we made it back alive with sore butts.
After dinner, we took a "chiva" (party truck) up a mountain to try and get a view of the lava from the nearby volcano. Unfortunately it was too foggy to see anything, so we just watched a comedy, fire-juggling show. Afterwards, we decided to go out dancing-- which was a blast. A guy taller than me, (super rare in Ecuador) asked me to dance. We danced together for probably an hour, and he ended up being an incredible dancer. At one point, we were dancing salsa, and he dipped me all the way to the floor. I came back up, paused, looked at him, and just said, "...wow," nearly breathless.
The hostal we stayed at was a piece of crap, but at 5$ a night, it was perfect. The next morning, we rode bikes to a bunch of waterfalls. Which was cool, but really painful after the horses the day before. Along the way, there was a bridge that has bungee jumping. Ever since before we got to Banos, I had been saying that I wanted to jump. Ironically, that day, my courage was failing. I stood there watching them set up the equipment with butterflies in my stomach. Was I really going to do this? I looked down at the rushing river below, thinking about all the things I still wanted to do with my life and how I was too young to die...
--And then I decided to jump. Walking up there, putting the harness on, listening to the directions -- all felt fake. I wasn't really going to jump. This was all a big dream I was having. Then I felt like I was going to vomit. The butterflies had reached my mouth... This was happening. I freaked out and asked if there was some easier way to jump off (because normally people dive). He told me I could fall backwards off the bridge, which sounded a little better. So, I crossed over the bridge, holding on to it for dear life until the guy told me I had to put my hands on the harness and lean back as he held on to me. "Ha... haha," I laughed nervously. I put my hands on the harness for a split second and then returned to holding the bridge. The second attempt to hold my harness ended with me holding on to the guy. He was like, "breathe... breathe ... chill." So I tried my best to slow my breathing... slowly put my hands on the harness... "3...2..." "AH!" I grabbed him again lol. I was about to freaking die!!! What was I doing?! My life--everything down the drain in a second. "Heidi! You have got to breathe." *GASP* -- *shallow breathing* -- "Okay, okay, okay." "I'll count from 5 this time alright?" I nodded, unassuredly. "You have to try and breathe, seriously." Another unsure nod. I closed my eyes, thought about breathing deeply, .... 5...4...3...2...
... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*jolt* My legs flipped over my head as I swung back and forth over the river. The first thought that went through my head was, "That jerk pushed me on 2!" The second was, "OMG, I'm alive." And the third was, "Freaking A! That was amazing!!" The adrenaline rush was like nothing I have ever felt. I was shaking and breathing super shallowly, but with a little bit of peace this time.
Next trip -- I'm diving!!
My Fall
After Video
We got back on our bikes and rode until it started raining, and then took a tour of what I think is the biggest waterfall in Banos. That was a big waterfall. We ate lunch and then hired a truck to take us and our bikes back into town where I was supposed to meet my parents. They were late though, so we went rock climbing for a bit. The ride home to Quito was just reliving the weekend in my mind over and over again... and what an incredible weekend it was.
Basilica
La Basilica is a huge cathedral in downtown Quito. You can climb to the very top of the towers if you pay -- but it is so worth it. I went with my American buddy, Matt, and we climbed up the rickety staircase and ladders to the top. We sat up there quite awhile. The view was beautiful.
We had great pictures, but all on his camera that got stolen for the second time. Poor Matt : (
Afterwards, we went to a park that had a river running through it and took a paddle boat around. I'm pretty sure the first 5 minutes we were in the boat, everyone was laughing at the stupid gringos. We couldn't get the boat to go where we wanted and kept running into things and other boats and going in circles. haha. We eventually figured it out and made it around the river. It was sunset : )
Earlier that day, I went to the planetarium with my dad and Emi. Of the 45 minute show, 20 minutes were just stars against a black sky, moving very slowly to classical music. I almost fell asleep it was so relaxing. The planetariums are definitely cooler in the States, but it was fun to spend time with my family.
ORU Essay
For about a month, I was working on an essay to get a scholarship at ORU. I wrote about abandoned children in Ecuador and learned so much while researching it. I interviewed orphanages and child police and maternity wards at hospitals... the reality is disheartening. During one of my interviews, I actually saw the president of Ecuador. He was standing on top of his palace, watching the change of the guard. Apparently he's there every Monday for the changing of the guard. Pretty sweet if you ask me. I mean, when do we get to see our president? NEVER. Anyways...
Unfortunately, haha, (and this would only happen to me) Ecuador had a nationwide power outage the day I was supposed to turn in the essay, leaving me without a way to send in my information. I talked with the guys in charge though, and they said it would be fine to turn it in a day late. We had a nice candle-light dinner in the meantime : ) Pray for favor!
If you want to read the essay, click here.
Papallacta
After church a couple of weekends ago, some chicos from the 20 somethings group went to Papallacta for the day. On the way there, we stopped a few times. The first was at a bridge where you could bungee jump or glide over a river. A few did the gliding, but it was too expensive for me. The seond stop, we climbed a mini waterfall, and the third was a lake. It was completely still--like glass. Really peaceful. Unfortunately, I was with boys who, instead of standing there in awe and silence were throwing rocks into it and saying they wanted to water ski. Our destination, the hot springs of Papallacta, was so relaxing. It was like a resort with a bunch of different pools of different temperatures. There was also an ice cold river running through the resort, to which we stupidly entered after being in the hottest pool for awhile. My body was not happy with me. Later, we met some people who have connections in the Galapagos and said they would help us get all the cheap prices when we go in April. God loves us : ) We stayed for a good 8 hours and then finally left to eat something and head home.
It was a thoroughly relaxing chill day : )
Family
Hm. I don't even know. Stuff sucks with Emi right now. She ignores me when I talk to her, treats me like she doesn't want me in her house, gives me horrible looks... it's like I don't exist to her or that she doesn't want me to. We were so great for awhile. Like real sisters. She would tell me what was up with her and visa versa and we would cook together and make fun of each other and dance around the house... I ... I don't know what happened. To my knowledge, I've done nothing to cause the drastic change. So I'm just confused.
My mom always gets mad at me when I get home after 8 O'clock now. I always tell her when I'm coming home, who I'm with, what we're doing, and am almost always dropped off in a car. She insists that it's about my security, but I'm always in a safe situation and let her know that. So I don't understand her either.
All's well with me and my dad : )
Oh. And I'm not changing families. Which is actually a good thing because apparently the family I was moving to never let's their kids leave the house. My mom may be worried all the time, but at least she lets me leave!
Church
I've been getting super involved lately with the 20 somethings group. It's good to have community again. God is so good.
Haha...um... : ) Last Tuesday was my friend Matt's last night here. We saw each other at the church that night and said our goodbyes... or so I thought. Left the church, went home, took a shower, sat at the computer upstairs with my mom for a minute--when the house phone rang--at 11 at night! My mom looked at me and said with a super confused look on her face, "The guard says Matteo is downstairs?" I panicked lol. I still had mascara all over my face from the shower and was wearing embarrassing pjs, so I ran downstairs to change and wipe my face off. While in the bathroom, I could hear my mom yelling down at Matt, "It's way too late to be here!! You need to leave--NOW!!" I'm standing there thinking, "No! Poor guy!" So I ran down in my pjs with my stained face to stop my mom. As soon as I showed up-- he starts singing. Now -- you have to understand that I live in an elevated neighborhood. Street level is the garage, so we live above that. He's on the street level, and I'm up looking down at him. It's a total Romeo and Juliet moment. He starts singing his song, flowers in hand. There was a fairly large group from my church there with him, hiding to where I couldn't see them, but helping him sing. He finishes, and then is like, "Wait, I have a better song." So he starts to sing this hopelessly romantic song--I don't even remember what about-- but solo this time. He stopped and said, "I didn't get to tell you 90% of what I wanted to say to you earlier, so I'm here to say it." I stood up there and listened to him until it seemed like the appropriate moment to go down--only at this point my mom leaving us in peace. She told me I had 5 minutes. haha.
I ran down and gave him a big hug as he continued to tell me his 90%. The group from the church was just standing there, watching us with 'oos' and 'awes.' So embarrassing. They started chanting, "Kiss him, kiss him!" but stopped upon my motioning that I was going to kill them. It was so sweet of him! Just the kind of romantic thing I've always wanted to happen to me : )
A few Thursdays ago, we had this really great girls Bible study where we all felt like crap and decided to just pray the whole time. I'm pretty sure everyone ended up bawling. We got really close that night as we spilled our hearts to each other. It was beautiful.
School
Right before we got out of school for Christmas vacations, I started helping with the kindergartners in the middle of my school day. Before the teacher even introduced me to the kids, they surrounded me, giving me hugs and kisses and telling me they loved me. We do lots of crafts and learn English, music and religion. When they have snack time, everyone insists upon sharing their food with me. They're trusting and loving and sharing without question and without pretense... completely unlike the children at the orphanage. The kids at the orphanage have to gain trust in people and have trouble sharing because they don't have anything that is solely theirs in the first place. They are learning to love, but haven't been given a constant example of love and affection, so it's hard.
UG! I was so frustrated with the head nun at my school. I went in to talk with her about the pension that my Ecuadorian family as to pay for me every month-- 130$. It doesn't seem fair that anyone would have to pay for me, because the pension is supposed to go to pay for the time teachers give us and the credit we recieve from the school at the end of the year. For starters, I'm only in half of my classes. The other half of the time, I'm helping with the kindergartners. I'm not getting credit at the end of the year for any of this, nor am I using my teachers. I don't do homework, I don't take tests, I just sit in class and listen. Not to mention --I'm volunteering at the school. So this is what the nun tells me. "The way I see it, you are learning different things than the other students (well duh). You're learning Spanish (which I'm teaching myself) and experiencing what its like to be in high school in another country. You are learning how to teach kindergarten and have the experience of having good classmates. So really, Heidi, I don't understand why you think you're not learning anything. You're actually learning a lot!"
"Of course I am! I completely agree with you. It's not that I think I'm not learning anything, it's just that the things I'm learning are things that don't cost anything. They are life experiences, that if anything, are giving back to the school."
"Yes," she says, "but you come in a uniform, and you started out like any other student, so you still need to pay."
"Yes, I did start like any other student, and paid at that time; however, my situation has changed, and I am not like any other student now."
"Well, your mother signed a contract at the beginning of the year saying she would pay for the whole year, and thats binding. I'm sorry. We can't break the contract."
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! All I wanted to do was scream. This was unjust, and she's a nun of all things! ...money hungry nun...
I actually started crying I was so upset. I HATE injustice.
The 6th of January is apparently the day of the three wise men. So 3 tall teachers dressed up like wise men came around to every class to give us suckers... Happy 3 wise men day?
Last week was sociales week. WOOT! SOMOS SOCIALES! SOMOS HERMOSOS! SOMOS LOS FILO, FILO, FILOSOFICOS!! repeat.
In the civic minute minute on Monday when everyone gathers to hear announcements and sing the national anthem, Sociales had a little party. We started chanting and dancing with confetti, silly string, bubbles, spray foam, and balloons. It was just a big mess to make it appear we were having more fun than everyone else. Then we set off a crazy cow lol? which is a firework display. One of the fireworks definitely chased the money-hungry nun around like a crazy cow. I guiltfully laughed at that. Still do. (teehee)
Thursday was the actual day of sociales, so that was supposed to be the big party. But a classmates father died that day. Apparently he had been fighting cancer for a while and it was for the best that he wasn't suffering anymore. We left school and went to the funeral instead of having the party. I never knew him, but I was a wreck at his funeral. Everyone was telling me to stop crying, that I had to be strong for Dani, our classmate. But I couldn't stop. I wasn't strong. All I could do was think about every other funeral I've been to -- and about my family in the States. How were they right now? Were they safe? What would I do if one of them died? I was overcome with an immense longing to see them, all of my missing them subconsciously the past 5 1/2 months come down into one moment. And I was afraid. I was also thinking about how precious Dani is to me and how drastically this would affect her. I couldn't hold it in. I wasn't strong.
We left the funeral and I tried--believe me--my hardest to stop crying-- for Dani. We decided to go ahead and have the party when we got back, which consisted of costumes (of course), a typical Ecuadorian band, a dance, and eating. I was the 'rooster of the cathedral' again. No use in spending money on a costume. The party was ... interesting. It probably could have been a blast, I just wasn't in the mood to party like that.
And I just really don't understand the obsession with costumes.
Blips
Saw Twilight, and all I can say is--I'm in love with a vampire.
My family sent me a package!
I'm allowed to take the bus!!
We got a clothes dryer!!!
I went to a party and stepped in dog poop!!!!
Thoughts
John 15:17-25
Would they surrender their image or their popularity? They would lay down their very lives -- swap seats with the man on death row-- guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair. -The Vision
But seriously, why faith? Okay, Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. Love never loses faith. Faith will endure. Spiritual gift of faith- faith to move a mountain (1 Cor. 13:2). Faith as a mustard seed. Shield of faith. ...But if one day all will be clear, why would faith still endure? Because nothing would be unseen or unclear, therefore making faith unnecessary...right? So why?
I am so SICK of the word "peligroso!"
I started my new years resolution. It's changing my life.
The other exchange student at my school taught me something the other day. I wondered at how he had so many friends and seemed so chill with being stupid around them. Then I realized, he's actually just being himself. Like deep, true self. The one he would show to his best friend. Wait, why was this so revolutionary? Duh. If the people I like to be with most are the ones completely open to me, wouldn't I want to be that for other people? He's acting like these people are already his best friends and therefore has a ton of them. Rocket science, right? But why do humans put up walls like I did? Why do we wait to show who we are until we're positive this person will accept us, love us. We're afraid of who we are. That the world will not like our truest self. That if they reject us, at least it's just our shell and our facade they're rejecting and not us. But that's it. Of course they're going to reject it. It's not even us. People want to be friends with real people. People who make mistakes and be stupid and tell jokes that don't make sense. When does a friendship start to grow deeper? When someone confides. When someone's vulnerable and it's accepted well.
Why is everything not as impressive to me as it used to be? Is it because I've gotten used to everything being exciting and adventurous all the time, or so often? Is it because I have no time to anticipate it or because I'm not taking in the little things because everything is so big? Like being in the jungle in South America, for example, but only being able to think about how the mountains look the same as they did in Colorado, that everything is just really green and that the mosquitos are annoying. And feeling like this when I used to look at pictures of the jungle in my history books in elementary and think about how cool it would be to go there one day and be like an Indian. But you know what? I think I'm just not acting like I did when I was at fusion anymore, when everything fantacized me. Like when I first got here. ...hmm
Now. Now is what matters. There is no ordinary moment. Every moment is extraordinary. It's whether you choose to acknowledge it for what it is or not. Be all here. Now.
I need to empty my head of all the crap that constantly fills it up. No wonder I couldn't enjoy nature. I wasn't even thinking about it. I was just looking at it. Not in the moment, but somehow thinking I was. Almost completely unaware of things going on around me, and totally consumed with what was going on in my head. I need to learn how to focus my thoughts, how to meditate, how to be still. How to empty my head and be all here, in every moment I live. And therefore truly living. Living with passion and peace and constancy and courage and pure, all-there love. Giving every person I'm with my full and uninterrupted attention.
When I found out I wan't changing families, I was initially disappointed. Not because I don't like or am having problems with them, just because I had realized I was too comfortable. I had gotten so comfortable that I didn't rely on God for what I need because it's all here and provided for me. My comfortableness had led to stagnance. I want to be challenged and uncomfortable and growing in trust. And I just wasn't. Things were too easy. I wanted to HAVE to rely on Him. It's part of the reason I came.
I got a different perspective on the being comfortable thought when I talked with my friend Mike about it. He mentioned that the same thing had happened to him being here. He thought he would be in a tiny cell, living and working in an orphanage, getting to read his bible al lthe time. But he ended up in a big apartment, living with a bunch of other guys going out every night. At one point, his parents came to visit and stayed in a hostal. He said when he walked into the hostal, he was amazed at how nice is was. But his parents couldn't handle it for more than 1 night and switched to the Holiday Inn. From there he realized that the point isn't being uncomfortable. It's being comfortable in uncomfortable situations. It's about adapting. Being content in every situation you find yourself in.
"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have larned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who give me the strength I need." - Philippians 4:11-13
It's about not being spiritually comfortable.
If I only had 30 days to live-- I wouldn't travel. I wouldn't do anything but spend it with the people I love
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